My mother has always been slightly disturbed by my ability to
quote movies that I have never seen. Of
course some of the quotes – like “We’re gonna need a bigger boat.” or “I’ll
make him an offer he can’t refuse.” – have entered the common lexicon; but some
are a little less ingrained in the national psyche. Like “You either shoot ‘em or you burn ‘em. They go up pretty quick.” I have never seen Romero’s Night of the Living Dead, but many of
the lessons therein have been with me since childhood. In fact, I am a Level Five Zombie Hunter,
committed to ridding the world of the undead scourge.
I cannot
talk about a second education without mentioning the sleep-away camp that I
attended for six of the best summers of my youth: Camp Wingate*Kirkland. There I met some of the best people I know,
one of whom is Zachary Brenner. Brenner
at W*K, Zach at home, he has taught me some of the most important lessons I
have ever learned in the venue of a period called “Zombie Hunting Academy”. Training proceeds like this:
Level One. Simple Combat: One can either kill zombies with a ranged
weapon (dodgeballs) or in mêlée combat (accomplished by pulling a flag football
flag from their waist). Zombies are
killed by headshot or by torso-shot.
Extremity-shots result in the loss of the use of that extremity.
Level Two. Ranged Combat Training: Only ranged weapons
are permitted on the training ground (i.e. a simple game of dodgeball).
Level Three. Mêlée Combat Training: Only mêlée tactics
are permitted.
Level Four. The
Introduction of Special Zombies: Until this point only classic, Romero
zombies were present on the training field.
Now, the trainee must protect him or herself against zombies that can
run, take multiple head or torso shots to kill, can fight back, and that can re-reanimate
themselves.
Level Five. Mêlée Combat with Special Zombies: The
rules of the Level Three and Level Four tests combined apply.
Level Six. Human Protection Training: Combat against
special zombies with the added complication of having to protect two
defenseless humans at either end of the training pitch. They can neither move nor participate in
combat. If either dies, you loose.
Upon passing your first test at the Zombie
Hunting Academy, you get to take on a code name. Mine is “Striker”, chosen by Jet Blaze
(Zach’s Zombie Hunter Alter Ego) for me because of my archery skills. He says
that, on the actual field of combat, my archery training will serve me well and
“Striker” is a proper name for an archer.
Striker is currently the highest-ranking member of Helter Skelter, our
zombie hunting organization, other than Jet Blaze himself who is a Level Seven
Zombie Hunter. I know that last sentence
gave you pause because you are wondering about the name of our
organization. Either it is named after a
Beatles song or that phrase the Manson family scrawled on the walls of the
houses of the people they killed. Well,
it’s neither. In the words of Jet
himself, it is simply “the most bad ass sounding name of all time.”
Zombie hunting has taught me a number of
things, the most important of which is “Aim for the Head”. This is not a phrase to be taken lightly. “Aim for the Head” is more than simply advice
regarding how best to kill a zombie. It
is the only way to kill a zombie. More
than that, it is advice on how to focus your life. On the weekends I give up to acting in Zach’s
movies on the subject of Zombie Hunting I have to prioritize my work. So I aim for the head. When a lighting fixture goes on the fritz, I
aim for the head. When a problem in
physics presents particular difficulty to me, I aim for the head. It really means start with what is most
crucial. When on the field of combat
facing off against hordes of the undead, it is crucial both not to waist ammo
and to kill as many as possible. So you
aim for the head, the center of zombification. When trying to prioritize your
weekend, it is crucial both to get as much done as possible and to enjoy your
weekend. So you aim for the head, bring your chemistry notebook to the set to
study while filming. Aiming for the head
can keep you alive, both literally and figuratively, during tough times.
My daddy
taught me a quote from a classic zombie movie when I was a kid. Zach taught me how to put it into
practice. Nowadays, when Zach calls me
up and says there’s a filming date, I drop everything to be there. Helter Skelter is a close-knit group of people
who pretend to protect the world from the walking dead, and it means so much to
me to be a reoccurring character in one of the many storylines in the
Brenner-verse. Beefdog was brought to
Helter Skelter with the offer of a sandwich.
Dan joined up for the thrill of it. Sleeping Bag Buddy brings the power
and mystery of a zombie hunter who works exclusively from inside of a sleeping
bag. Action Man remains a riddle wrapped
inside a mystery wrapped inside an enigma.
And Jet? Jet brings us together as both an army and as a bunch of nerds
who know, when the time comes, they will be prepared in ways that the average
American will most certainly not be. Aim
for the head my friends. Aim for the Head.
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